Happy Hairspray

yikes,

other day we were at a party and that moment came, at the end, when the auntie offered a present for her son
its one of those awkward moments when you need to be weary about how you respond
hey aunt, although i’m 18, seen as i’m a man, at last, I was a car
“you can’t even drive”
“yea, but seeing that in our drive way will motivate me to learn”
how about the other version – asking for lessons
Auntie: “exactly how long will it take you to drive”
its always funny when we are talking money – unless of course your earning that magical six figures
until that time, we might want to think about codes, I mean, some preliminary communication where the gift is agreed upon ahead of time so that the question and response is itself, merely ceremonial
its difficult when it comes to gifts
my family used to have a catalogue; family chose a gift and all the money went into a family trust fund – which we had paid into earlier in the year
I didn’t ask for much because I didn’t want to give much
tough part growing up, I mean, after 16, families get tough and want you to be independent
I used to be a mothers boy until I got home two weeks after my 18th and found out she went on holiday and changed the locks on the door
I tried breaking into my bedroom but the neighbour, who she spoke with ahead of time, tipped the police off and I got arrested
I swear moving into the mainstream is difficult and we need some real guidance
they want qualifications for everything nowadays
I applied for a job as a bin man and they asked for a degree
I applied to clean shoes and they said I needed 4 years experience
I applied to be a body guard and they asked for 6 references
I even tried to join a group of crooks and they asked to see my jail resume
real talk, I’ve seen some guys with impressive records, on both counts
one dude spoke with me and said he had skills in carpentry, gardening, mechanics, domestics, personal training, academics, multimedia and even mentoring…he even told me he had lived in 7 different areas of London whilst he undertook all these tasks
I asked how he managed to study all of this only to learn that this dudes family lineage was tied to jails
he said the head of the prison was a junior when his grand dad first went in – how about that aspirations
I want to make my dad proud – and find myself into 3 more jails than he did in his day
some guys don’t even go to jail – they just pop out
on that subject, anyone seen the film law abiding citizen
hows this dude going to tunnel out of jail
if that was me, i’ll be making a get away business out of that one
want to get your family out of jail, come and see me!
sad thing you know, being in jail without women, and seeing your partner
I saw on one visit they had to restrain the guy
its like they had the thing timed – I could tell they were in this thing together
waited for all the guards were out of sight, checked the clock and went into it
what they gonna charge them with – sexually provoking the prisoners
that said, with all that energy, you have to feel for the other prisoners in there
guys who are so horny, seeing them explicit scenes and ….
thank you
you been a wonderful audience

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